Approach to Couple Therapy

No matter what type of relationship you have, you and your partner will have differences. Differences are to be expected. They only become a problem when you are unable to come to terms with your differences and you get stuck in unhealthy ways of relating to one another.

Like two neighboring trees blowing in the wind, relationships have a rhythm that is unique to each.

When two people meet and notice a “spark” that attracts them to one another, their relationship is often exciting and romantic. People talk about “falling in love”, as if one has stumbled over a rock in the road and hit one’s head. Sex and intimacy can be great and endorphins are flowing. They can make us numb to the meaning of almost anything else in life besides our partner.

After a while together, we start to notice the differences in perspective between us, the topics we can’t agree on, and the quirks we hadn’t noticed earlier. The intimacy can start to wane, as real-life demands such as work, raising children, and maintaining a home take over.

There is only so much energy to go around and something has to give. There is considerable stress to make ends meet in today’s world and it doesn’t take long to reach the level at which tolerating the situation is not good enough.

There are many decisions to be considered at this point in the relationship. One is to stay together and try to improve things. Another is to separate and possibly divorce. Still another is to try couple counselling.

The Option to Separate

In my search for what makes partnerships successful, across over thirty years gaining knowledge of different psychological theories and perspectives, I have watched many of my friends’ marriages fail.

But I have noticed they have not failed as individuals. They have carried on into new relationships and new lives. As a result, I don’t assume that separation or divorce means that something has gone wrong. There is always a lesson and hope for growth as an individual. Unfortunately, a lot of pain often accompanies these lessons.

My approach is realistic. I don’t think people should necessarily stay together when they are experiencing intolerable conflict, especially when the safety of either partner or a child is at risk. But to sacrifice all the energy you’ve invested in the relationship without trying couple therapy would be tragic.

If you have already made the decision to divorce and you want to stay out of court, the Okanagan Collaborative Family Law Group can help create positive solutions, save money, and respect all participants, including the children.

The Option of Couple Therapy

If you and your partner have become stuck in your ways of relating, it may be time to come to terms with the fact that your problems have become too tough to handle on your own. This is where couples counselling can be helpful.

In situations that are feeling uncertain, disconnected, out of synch, and on the edge of breakdown, it can sure help to be able to call on someone who has been through it and who can offer some keys to “getting it together”, both individually and as a couple.

The Option to Stay Together

It can be intensely rewarding and fulfilling to see my clients finding ways to rebuild meaning and companionship in their lives, but it won’t happen without spending some time to piece together a crumbling relationship.

With a couple therapist trained to help partners communicate and re-light the spark of intimacy, it is always possible to improve your relationship. Through my life experience and my work with couples, I can offer compassionate understanding of your situation and I can guide you through a period of self-discovery you will never forget.

Making Complex Change

Your relationship is more than just you and your spouse. It is a complex combination of needs, thoughts, feelings, values, and behaviour that extend far beyond you. It includes those who raised you, other family members, and your associations and activities with friends and colleagues.

Your relationship includes the regrets, losses, and grieving that have impacted you and your spouse. As well, it includes the hopes, dreams, and plans you have for your relationship. Not only that, it includes what you do in the present moment, either apart or together.

Like a pair of trees growing side by side in the forest, you each need your own light, water, air, and earth on which you can flourish.

Frequently, in couples who come for counselling, there is one partner who is feeling smothered by the other. It is important to realize that when your roots and branches do not smother or compete with one another, you can begin to feel more comfortable to pursue interests of your own and do more for yourself.

Other partners have plenty of time on their own, but don’t have enough quality time with family.

For the smothered partner, nurturing yourself helps you become more confident, which enhances your relationship. The tense silences or arguments begin to subside and you feel more sustained and understood. In this way, by being yourself, you recover the person your partner was attracted to.

For those who are already confident in themselves, and are content with their time on their own, it is important to devote some of that energy to the couple relationship.

If you engage fully in the marriage therapy process, old resentments can recede and you can gain more respect for the value of your partner’s time and the value of your quality time together.

The Approach

Drawing on the theory explained above, some partners spend too much time away from their spouse, and others spend too much time together. Resentment, anger, and loneliness are signals of this imbalance in the relationship.

To uncover the imbalances in your relationship, along with your level of commitment to it, I offer sessions for you both together as well as sessions for each partner individually. In this way, we explore the investment of energy in each other and in ourselves.

Using this information, and through the practice of communication skills, we explore some new ways to balance this energy. Based on this exploration, many couples find themselves being newly sustained by an increased confidence and interest in their spouses and in the relationship.

Call me at 250-899-1794 for a free consultation or email
kadawson@dawsonpsychologicalservices.com to schedule an appointment today.

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Serving the Kelowna area