Rebuilding Your Relationship

I have often noticed that couples with conflict in their relationships sometimes choose to take the time to go on a vacation together. They often return refreshed and some do so well at reconnecting that they decide they have "healed" the relationship so well that they don't need to return to counselling.

For example, I strongly recommend celebrating your wedding anniversary, whether it be one, five, or fifty years! Marking the anniversary recognizes the special value of the relationship as well as the effort it takes to live with an intimate partner, someone who hopefully supports you through the "daily grind". Because life at home and work can become a "grind", being together can begin to feel stressful and kind of boring. It's important to take "time-out" once in a while and do something new. This is somewhat like the time-outs we give our kids, only MORE FUN! Feeling more appreciated and devoted to each other are feelings commonly expressed by couples about vacationing together. Such a journey can also reinforce the importance of balance and commitment and is an opportunity to "fall in love" in a way that just isn't possible amidst the usual "grind".

Because my wife, Jan, and I have reached our 20th year since our wedding on May 23rd, 1992, we are celebrating by taking a well-earned cruise to Alaska. We will hopefully see some wildlife and we have never been to the beautiful shores of the Queen Charlotte Islands and the Alaska pan-handle. We will be kayaking, hiking, and enjoying each other's company.

I won't be available to clients this coming week, but I do look forward to letting you know how the trip went when we return.

One of the most common things I’m asked for is tools to grow or repair relationships. Well, here they are, all in one place! They are tools for everyone because they are tools for navigating good times and hard times and we all have those!

Tools for Navigating Good Times and Hard Times:

1. Access Emotional Health information and improve your coping:

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    • In this state-of-the-art secure website, you can journal online, measure your progress, and gather helpful information about relationship building, stress management, emotional health, physical health, parenting, and other topics.  To log on to Mental Health Pros, log into www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/home-study-plans.html . A subscription to this invaluable tool costs only $10.00 per month.

1. Take the Dyadic Adjustment Questionnaire:

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    • Ever wondered whether you are alone in your level of satisfaction/dissatisfaction with your relationship? Using a widely-known multiple-choice questionnaire that takes approximately 5 minutes to complete, check how well you are adjusting to your relationship compared with a large group of married couples. Take this confidential questionnaire and understand better how you are coping in your present relationship and which areas need work. To learn more about your relationship, go to  www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/home-study-introduction.html . A full profile costs only $15.00 flat fee.

1. Free Report to grow, repair, build, or reclaim your relationship with your special, intimate, or significant other

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    • This Free Report contains 21 tips and exercises for improving the relationship of your choice

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    • To obtain this Free Report:

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    • Enter your email address into the “Subscribe” box just under Dr. Dawson’s photo on his website www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com . You will get regular updates to my Blog on Growing Relationships as well. You can unsubscribe at any time.

1. Blog on Growing Relationships (Like a Garden)

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    • See www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/blog.html

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    • Get regular updates by entering your email address into the “Subscribe” box just under Dr. Dawson’s photo on his website www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com

The Rhythm of Coupled Life

When we marry – or even if we don’t, and we still carry on as if we are – we make a commitment to someone. Usually, the commitment involves some type of contract, either written or not, sometimes spoken and sometimes not. The commitment usually implies or explains that the two individuals wish to be couple to the exclusion of others. The reason for the exclusion usually has something to do with love and might even be “till death do us part”.

The relationship can cruise along pretty well for a while, and many positive memories can grow and reinforce commitment to the relationship.  But in spite of all the good times, stress usually gets the better of us somewhere along the line. You know…things we expect to happen sometime in our lives, if we are lucky to live long enough. We start to realize we are spending way more time addressing the baby’s needs, and spending more time working, moving, or struggling with debt than we ever spent before we got together. We begin to yearn for those days we were independent or with someone else and things seemed so much easier. Resentment and anger take hold and we stop listening to each other. We start to shut down, withdraw, and we might even restart an old drinking habit or start a new habit where one wasn’t there before. The habit helps us numb ourselves to the trapped, lonely, and alienating feelings we are experiencing more intensely than ever before.

We start looking for tools to fix or manage the problem a little better. If only we found some new ways of coping, we might be able to go back to the way things were or move on with life, past all this crap. One way is to accept that all life has a natural rhythm, a sway between to and fro, back and forth, up and down, side to side, like breathing, in and out – including from good to bad and back again. Another way is to look for tools and practice them. Read my next blog entry for this.

You can also log in from my website at https://www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/home-study-plans.html to access the tools you may be looking for.

The first tip to grow, improve, repair, reclaim, or rebuild your relationship with your special, intimate, committed or significant other is to:

Realize that negative feelings are a part of normal and healthy relationships and you are not alone in these feelings. Because we are different, it is important to recognize that some differences are not possible to “make the same”. Just because we love someone doesn’t mean we have to change who we are for them. And it doesn't give us the right to expect them to change who they are. In this situation, we are left with two options that can reduce arguing. First, agree to disagree on some things. Second, try to learn from the other person’s different perspective. We’re all human and we get to have our feelings and needs. The question is how we deal with what we’re dealt. Can we tolerate our differences? Can we accept them? Are we getting caught up in our differences instead of emphasizing our common ground?

For more information and other tips, enter your email in the invitation box just below my picture on my website www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com to retrieve your copy of my free report “21 ways to rebuild your relationship”.

For a limited time only, get a full 1-hour session

for you and your partner (or just you)

ABSOLUTELY FREE!

New clients are especially encouraged to check out Dawson Psychological Services 

You may also be an ongoing client but only newly scheduled appointments can claim this offer.

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Call 778-484-5525 and remember to say you saw this blog entry now.

Just a friendly reminder that my report "21 Ways to Rebuild your Relationship" is available for all free! Just subscribe by entering your email in the blue box underneath my pic on my website (www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com). You don't have to be rebuilding from the ground up either. Any of these 21 ways to Rebuild a Relationship can be used by couples who simply wish to improve the quality of your emotional connection with your partner. And we all know what happens when the emotional connection between couples improves, don't we!

Let's get real! We all want romance, but the best we get is a temporary feeling that our love will last forever. There could be a few couples amidst the millions who have managed to have that enduring feeling of romantic love last nearly a lifetime, but I can't help but wonder if this isn't a myth perpetuated by those who are having trouble accepting life as it is....It's tough. People are fickle and manipulative, even our spouses at times. Partners who love each other hopefully like each other most of the time, but they also argue. How common are arguments among couples? Well, I haven't met a couple yet who hasn't argued a few times. What's normal, you ask? You can get a sense of whether you are in the expected range of arguments by doing the online questionnaire at www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/home-study-introduction.html

This questionnaire - the Dyadic Adjustment Scale - is one of the most widely used to measure satisfaction in human relationships. It looks at four dimensions of so-called romantic relationships:

Dyadic Consensus: Assesses the extent of agreement between partners on matters important to the relationship, such as money, religion, friends, household tasks, and time spent together. This is the dimension to find out whether your arguments are within what would be expected for married couples. But also look at Dyadic Satisfaction. Because even if you aren't having arguments, you still might not be satisified. Perhaps you're holding your true opinions in so you don't hurt your partner...

Dyadic Satisfaction: Measures the amount of tension in the relationship, as well as the extent to which the individual has considered ending the relationship. High scores on Dyadic Satisfaction indicate satisfaction with the present state of the relationship and commitment to its continuation. This can be low even if your arguing is not frequent. Other measures that allow us to adjust well to a relationship are Affection and Sharing Interests.

Affectional Expression: Measures the individual's satisfaction with the expression of affection and sex in the relationship.

Dyadic Cohesion: The common interests and activities shared by the couple.

Overall Dyadic Adjustment: Total score provides an indication of overall adjustment to the relationship. This measure takes all four dimensions of the relationship into account and gives you a total score which corresponds to how well you are coping or adjusting to your relationship at the present time.

Many things factor in to whether a person is adjusting to a close relationship. Only four are given in this questionnaire. You might be doing fine in some areas and having trouble in others. If you are like most couples, your profile will be varied across dimensions.

Of course, your entire relationship can't possibly be reflected in a single questionnaire. But a questionnaire can help you get an idea of how well you - as an individual - are adjusting or coping in the relationship. As well, this questionnaire can help you identify what you can work on to hopefully yield the most benefit. And when your relationship improves, your life as an individual probably will as well!

Find out where your relationship needs the most work by taking your Dyadic Adjustment Scale now! www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/home-study-introduction.html

Stressed out by your spouse?

Wondering whether your lack of satisfaction is normal?

Not sure whether you need professional help?

To answer these questions, Dawson Psychological Services announces an online questionnaire...

www.dawsonpsychologicalservices.com/home-study-introduction.html

It’s important for therapists to keep up to date. The trouble is, one indicator of the vast literature on “couple therapy” produced over 300,000 hits today.  As troublesome as it is to keep up to date, it is possible for therapists to read a few key journals that focus on their areas of interest. Being that couple therapy is my most favorite focal point, I read the widely referenced Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

Well over a billion people now use the internet worldwide. As a result, more and more partners are complaining of internet infidelity. I keep my eyes open for new research concerning this key topic in couples therapy.

When I saw a study of Internet infidelity in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy published as recently as February 9, 2012, my interest was sparked. The study conducted in-depth interviews of 15 therapists with experience treating Internet infidelity and the interviews were analyzed for basic themes used in treating this problem.

In summary, the study reports that prevalent themes therapists focus on during treatment of internet infidelity include: 1. Developing physical boundaries, 2. developing psychological boundaries, 3. managing accountability, trust, and emotional escalation, 4. Increasing client awareness of the causes of the Internet relationship, 5. assessing the couple’s context and readiness for change, and 6. working toward forgiveness.

Although this was a small study, some of the themes are easy to recognize as useful when treating any concerns around infidelity. In support of the themes, my own treatment approach includes attending to interpersonal boundaries, assessing whether clients are ready for change, and building awareness around desires and attitudes towards exploring sexuality with those outside the marriage.

To reference the article, go to:

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00275.x/full

Stay tuned in coming weeks for more about how to improve your satisfaction with your intimate relationship.

What better time than Valentine's Day to invest at least a few minutes - better yet a few hours or even the whole day - rebuilding your relationship!

After a few years together, many couples find themselves getting caught in a bit of a rut - not a sexual rutt, but a boring or frustrating rut. Basically, after being together for a while - could be a month, a year, or a number of years - the novelty just wears off.

This is quite natural and consistent with the notion of habituation or tolerance - like needing more to get the same effect. But when the romance, intimacy, and sexual arousal of the relationship starts to dwindle, it can get pretty frustrating. The temptation to seek novelty outside the relationship can be expected to accompany this shift.

It might seem paradoxical to suggest that spending more time with your romantic partner - even if it's been a while since you were intimate - could bring back a feeling of chemistry between you. But clearly, if we make an effort to do something we both enjoy together, it can feel pretty good and can re-energize what was starting to feel like a dwindling relationship only yesterday.

Another route to rebuilding your relationship - and bringing more energy into it - is to spend less time together. Yap! Spending time doing something you want to do while apart can re-energize your desire to be together. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," as they say.

The trick with spending time apart is to come back together with something new to share and be open to each other having enjoyed spending time apart.

I can hear the naysayers now! No, Jack or Jill is supposed to miss me the whole time we're apart....I would respond that it sounds like you don't want Jack or Jill to have a pleasant life unless you are right there side by side!  I don't think this is love. Instead, it's more likely to be dependence and insecurity. A related folk adage here is "If you love something, set it free! If it comes back, it's yours; if not, it never was."

Here are some more tips for rebuilding your relationship: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/positive-psychology/2012/02/what-do-you-look-for-in-a-partner-how-to-find-love-this-valentines-day/

Even if you're apart today, remember to appreciate your time apart while somehow finding a way to renew the relationship you have with the special other(s) in your life.

This blog is intended to:

1. understand how relationships can help us live a more fulfilled life,
2. suggest ways to improve the health, fulfilment, and emotional connection in relationships,
3. explore difficulties that couples generally face and to provide some ways I understand these problems,
4. provide some general recommendations and resources that will hopefully help readers,
5. give a bit more info about my approach to counselling than is already provided on dawsonpsychologicalservices.com.

This blog is also intended to provide information about the new Home Study resources available on the website, and to hopefully make them easier to use.

It is important to state that I'm not speaking for all therapists or all psychologists in this blog. What I write here is my opinion only. If I cite others, I will provide my interpretation of what others said or found in their research. It's also important to say that this blog is not set up for publication beyond dawsonpsychologicalservices.com, nor is it set up to automatically publish feedback or questions from readers. If you have questions, concerns or feedback about couples counselling, the blog itself, or about dawsonpsychologicalservices.com, please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I would be happy to respond to your email either personally, by posting an FAQ, or by addressing a question generically through a blog post.

What this blog is not?

In addition, although I am occasionally asked to give advice to couples who I see in my private practice, the purpose of this blog is not advice-giving nor is it designed for any individual client or couple. But that doesn't mean it can't help those looking for advice. There will be a lot of information shared in this blog, perhaps so much that you might think you don't even need to go to see a counsellor. Not to take way any value from seeing a couples counsellor, if that's what you choose to do, great! I'm happy to save you some money!

It is important for readers to be aware that any recommendations or resources provided here are not intended to be a final solution for any specific couple. Instead, it is most helpful when any suggestions or recommendations are taken as representing or symbolizing part of a relational process.

In essence, this blog is not intended as a replacement for face-to-face counselling. Having said that, research on self-help supports the helpfulness of circulating information about the psychology of couple relationships. Better informed couples hopefully can use the information to better understand themselves and each other.

Who is this Dr. Dawson anyway?

To acquaint you a bit with who I am...I am in my 20th year of marriage to a wonderful woman and have been in private practice working with couples for 8 years now. I have also worked with families in the area of child and youth mental health for 11 years, and prior to that was a substance abuse counsellor with young offenders for two years. I was trained from a perspective that appreciates the role that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviour play in our family relationships. An important part of my training and my upbringing was to value the unique story each person brings - because in that story are the seeds of improving the quality of life.